i suppose that the most hopeful thought i have had in my life is a product of viewing the stars.
I know that, as i look up into the endless eons of celestial bodies, light, color, and darkness, the person who will love me more than anyone else, and also the person that i will love the most in my life, are gazing up at the same cosmic sight i am.
My only hope is that those people i will love and be loved by, are one in the same.
The snow drifts reminded me of the riptide- Spirals of frozen glitter unpredicatable in their stability or longevity.
My eyes passed over them rapidly, trying so hard to view them each, to know the secrets nature hides within simplicity. Suddenly, fear filled me.
Never again would i experience this singular moment again, not ever in my life. This was a singular, improbable happening. One out of millions, but this had happened to me. This was my singular moment of beauty, never to be repeated again.
A moment in this lifetime. An unpredictable accident.
I was reminded that this life is improbable. That my lifetime would be as uncertain and unpredictable as those fragile snow tides. Every moment is fleeting and filled with an untangible beauty.
I am so afraid of it all.
It’s like living half deaf, with all this roaring in my ears.
Maybe it’s stupid of me to care to the point where my thoughts drive away my ability to live as part of this world around me, but I choose it, because I, as a human, long merely to be loved. My heart has chosen you to be the subject of that affection, and some days, I’m sorry about that, but others, I’m so overjoyed, I could not begin to explain it to you.
So hi. My name is irrelevant, as always. Anonymous, wordy. This is me. I am an irrelevant fact within this world. My only talent is these words which I use to describe all the things I am so afraid to say, and yet even this I butcher. I am sorry.
I’m a being hidden behind black frames and too long hair, slowly overtaking my disgusting visage. Hide it all away, it’s not like any one is looking anyway. Lover, dear, I’m so sorry for who I am. I will be better, I’ll be what you need. I’ll change everything about myself, change who I am, if only it will put a smile on your face and some hope in your heart.
Cheer up, beautiful, loving boy. Not a thing inside you is worth the pain you allow yourself to feel. You are human, and you are so essentially good. You could be everything and anything, but you’re aiming so low. There are things worth seeing and things worth living, and I know you can be better. Not better as in change yourself, never that. Never change. Never lose yourself. Merely, become better in the way of health- turn your mind to colors, and not just shades of grey.
I’m really sorry I can’t let you go so easily. I’m really sorry that you’ve become the unwitting object of my affection.
I’m sorry about everything I am.
I am the child of the moon,
A being conceived of lunar eclipses
and of glittering star dust.
I am the roamer of galaxies,
Creator of stars, nebulas, cosmos.
I am with and without power.
I am the lover of the green earth,
the protector of it’s sheltering eaves,
of it’s foolish, youthful populace.
I am the bridge between all and naught,
Invisible, vital to advancement,
intangible, weak, invincible.
I am but a girl, blonde and sky eyed,
with a hope, a dream, a wish
and a love for my green and brown home.
You fill the thoughts i deign to think in the inbetween moments.
I hold inside me the tenderness of your beautiful heart when i see things that try to mimick that beauty. The stars, the ocean, the moon and sun and planets- they all grow to envy you.
When darkness surrounds me, i am never afraid. Just the thought of you scares away the shadows. I am safe, because you love me. I become immortal in your good favor- we could waltz through the galaxies and never feel the harm that would kill any other.
I know i can turn to you when my own brain attacks me. I don’t understand why it chooses to do so, but you handle it so well. You keep me here, everyday. You are my reason. You are the first thing in the morning and the last thing at night.
For this, i promise that i shall hold you when you can’t bear it anymore. I will help you find a way in this world, because i know you will do something great. something worth doing. I will tell you silly stories when night terrors jolt you out of rest. I will fight for you, everyday that i can- there is no battle i’m afraid to face.
I will fill your head with tales, and songs, and dreamy thoughts. I will build for you the world inside my head, and i will beg you to build yours- i long to see all the thoughts hidden in your lovely head. I will write stories and make you immortal. You will never die, my love.
Let’s find our adventure.
Witch and Wizard.
Her world was so much larger than she ever saw it to be.
If ever someone had looked into the head of this particular girl, they would have understood exactly what it was that had brought her to think this. Her heart was approximately the size of her entire chest cavity, so filled with love for those who treated her with kindness, with passion for the things which captivated her mind.
Her mind was also impossibly large- in fact, when examined, one would see that no actual brain was inside her head- instead, a cloud of intelligence floated above her, and this was why she felt the pain of others so deeply. Why hurting her took barely a moment, barely a thought, barely a word or gesture.
This cloud, however, did not make her vulnerable to anything but the emotional pain. She was braver than ten of the strongest men one could fathom, and she was never one to not take a risk. She did not fear getting in trouble. She did not fear heights, or spiders, or pain.
She was someone to be admired, someone who loved many and was loved by many. But one day, when she fell in love- not simply loved, but fell, into the deep cavernous pit of loving someone with all one was able to- Her giant heart filled, her pulse was tangible to her in every single part of her small body…
And for once, she felt fear of pain. Because, for once, someone was in control of her wild heart and free mind. Someone was able to hurt her. Rip her heart out, spread it, and all of it’s wily secrets, upon the pavement for everyone to see. That was not a pain she was able to evade, as simple fear, simple physical pain was. You could heal in a preset period of time if one was cut. Only rarely did wounds prove fatal. She did not fear much,
but she certainly feared him.
It was a day just as ordinary as any other. Except it wasn’t.
He heard the sound as he aimlessly wandered the hallways. Laughter, but laughter unlike any he had heard before. It tinkled like bells and reminded him of sunshine. It echoed through the abanded corridor, taking on a spirit of its own. It overtook him, caressed his soul, brought his heart warmth. Happiness bubbled up within him until he stood„ a stupid grin plastered over his face, all prior purpose forgotten. He followed the beckoning finger of the invisible spirit into a small room, almost forgotten.
He would never forget that space. He quietly nudged the door open, and therein he found a girl whose face he could not see, though it didn’t matter. His eyes analyzed her form, noting her lax position, the headphones stretched over the top of her honey colored curls. Oh, those curls. Each and every defined spiral shone in the sunlight that filtered in though a small pane of bubbled glass. His fingers hitched to reach out and touch a piece, just to see if it was as soft as he imagined. He ignored the impulse and instead chose to walk over to her and seat himself in the chair that almost seemed destined for him. He saw the book in her hands, a title he had never read. She didn’t acknowledge him for amoment, her laughter consuming her. He was more than content with this, as the invisible spirit ran her gentle fingers over his heart strings.
“Hello?” She asked shyly. The last notes of her bell like laughter faded from the air. She removed her headphones.
“Hi.” He replied. She looked a bit uncomfortable, and he felt compelled to eliminate the tension of new acquaintance. So, he continued. “I’m Sam. What were you laughing at, exactly?” He was dying to know what could cause such an angel to laugh as she had been.
“Oh, nothing… just a quote.” She replied, closing the book, a red ribbon poking out from the pages.
“Would you show me?” He asked. She nodded. And thus, a boy and a girl fell in love in an aptly named meeting room at the public library.
And i felt the truth of the moment, and the air was so crisp and cold, and the stars hid from us, and the elation filled me wholly.
I knew how much i could love, in that clear, perfect moment. i saw the bumps on your smooth skin, and i saw that smile on your face, and all i felt was this perfection, so clear, so untouchable. The snow fell heavily as our childish spirits guided us towards each other, and, even as we were surrounded by so many other people, you kept me focused, and i saw nothing but you, but the crystalline water, but the street lights casting a yellow hue to the dark, moonless night. The sky above us was frozen white, lit by the sun reflecting off of the other side of the earth, or maybe it was lit behind by the gracious moon, smiling down upon us through the blanket.
I threw the first snowball, and i missed. Camera flashes captured the moments we shared then, though none of the photos were worth anything. I suppose that even they knew to keep our secret from those around us.
You hit me with the next one. I laughed, my voice loud among the cars and freeze. We were the only things that were truly alive at that moment, as the world hid, as the people around us faded into the backdrop of that perfect night. As i loved you.
i hit you, you hit me. Our game was thrilling, though short. A few more shots, our aim gone clumsy from cold fingers, and you nailed me in the face. I still think it’s one of the best moments of my life.
You rushed at me, hugged me tight. I inhaled your scent, expelling my breath in laughter in your ear, listening to you tell me how sorry you were. Our warmth was refreshing in the cold, though your teeth were chattering, though your nose was bright cherry red. I could have lived that moment a million times, i was so perfectly happy.
That night, we spoke on the phone. I smiled at your endearing, tired voice as you began to drift off into a world between unconsciousness and wake. I knew then that i loved you in so many ways, and it was a feeling that made my heart pump something more than viscous, sad fluid. You brought me to life again.
i never loved you more than i did in that moment.
I’ve never understood why people enjoy the day so much. I don’t understand the appeal of life under the sun, where everything is out in the open and visible. The daylight is where secrets become unsafe and thinly veiled. The night, however, is for making secrets. Under cover of darkness, the truth of our human race becomes something we are unable to deny, and, quite frankly, we don’t need to. The shadows hide us, and we are able to truly live.
We commit delinquencies and make our hearts race. The beauty of danger fills us, makes our pulse race and our adrenaline spike. Illicit kisses are stolen and given, hands fumble, skin brushes skin, rosy red colours cheeks, nervous laughter and whispers and sighs and primordial utterances paint a colourless picture in the air.
The proof hides with the shadows, with the stars, with the loving moon, all so kindly keeping us safe, and sometimes harming us, in the grasp of their darkness. Men hurt women, women hurt men, pain fills us. We spill our blood, we spill the blood of others. We cause pain, we cry ourselves to sleep. We punish ourselves. We punish each other. We rob and kill, we let the greed and envy and blind anger control our bodies while our souls are either lost or nonexistent. The night hides human evil, human pain.
The night hides the humanity in us, the instincts left over from our neanderthal ancestors, from our evolution. Instincts in line with the vestigial organs, though they seem more stubborn. Humanity thrives through the night, where the lies of daylight are no longer necessary.
I am a ghost.
I am a ghost of all the things that made me whole.
No longer am i a mess of excitement and dreams,
But rather, i am filled with toxic smoke and sour blood.
Organised thought no longer prevails,
Ethos prevails. Logos screams at me.
I beg to be alive once more- to be full of health,
to be a creature of clouds and salt water blues.
To feel the infusion of just a little bit of immortality.
Make it all loud and bright, just for a second. please.
My shadow no longer follows, my body rots cold in the ground.
My heart stopped, and i kept going. my soul is lost,
forever roaming the earth we’ve destroyed, mutilated, plundered.
Everything is just so different from the times i knew.
I am a ghost of passion, of earth, of fire, of nothing at all.
I am a ghost forever more.
